


Farewell To Apathy

by Ice_CherryBombedbyTY



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Emotions, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Happy Birthday Taeyong, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, oblivious taeyong, sneaky winwin, taewin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 17:16:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15124169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_CherryBombedbyTY/pseuds/Ice_CherryBombedbyTY
Summary: Taeyong holed himself in his room for days, shielding himself from falling for the wrong person...Winwin.





	Farewell To Apathy

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday to my one and only Taeyong! May you find the happiness you desire and all the love sent your way. Hope you have a wonderful day baby. I love you so much my heart is bursting. <3

 

 

 

 

Taeyong stared through the window pane watching the raindrops pounding on it, creating rivulets cascading over and blurring the view. It was as if it prevented him from seeing through to the outside world, creating a barrier and imprisoning him, caging his vulnerable self. For that was how he felt at the moment, having built a wall around him to guard his frailty and confusion.

There was no denying he had a difficult time a few years back for something that occurred  in his younger years. It caused his family worry and sorrow, and for himself the endless agony never dissipated. It was constantly in his head festering, swept back to the deep recesses of his brain but always bubbling up to the surface trying to brake through to wreck him further. It was a battle within him, of anguish and happiness, despondency and hopefulness, light and darkness. More often than not, the negativity would have won if it weren’t for his members who had become his friends. If not for them, his _brothers_ , he would have broken down and shattered as he imploded from his sorrow and self-condemnation. Over time, this slowly thinned out, whittled down by the people around him from whom he felt compassion and support. His anchor. His second family whom he loved dearly. But that was it, really. Loving had now become his dilemma. Specifically, loving _him_.

Taeyong couldn’t point a finger on who to blame. He knew that he was partly at fault, entertaining fondness and feeling tenderness for a particular member more than the others. However, how can one squash emotions that wash over you like a tidal wave, drowning and engulfing you? It was similar with him. Taeyong was overcome with the growing sentiment he never knew was possible. It was an emotion distinguishable from his love for his members, even from the ones he felt kinship or affinity with, like Yuta or Johnny or even perhaps Jisung.

From the very moment he laid eyes on him, he felt his heart flutter and his breath falter unexpectedly. It caught him by surprise when their eyes met and gaze held. There was undeniably a palpable magnetism between them. But Taeyong feared it was more so for him...or so he thought. Taeyong felt his longing slowly grow inside him, for this one particular member whom he spent so much time with, played games with and nurtured since their debut as NCT 127.

Sicheng... or Winwin, has captured his heart.

Winwin's charms had won almost everyone over and it was no secret some members dote on him much more than he did. He was careful not to give too much attention for fear of revealing his emotions. He dared not divulge his feelings for fear it might cause trouble eventually.  But there were times he would lose control of himself, his restraint barely kept in check. Times when his gaze was glued on Winwin’s luscious lips, wondering how it would feel moving against his. Other times it would be his touch lingering just long enough to feel the warmth of Winwin’s supple skin. On rare occasions he would wrap his arms around Winwin, holding his body close to his, feeling the slender length hard against his chest. It was a form of masochism he had slowly developed over the years. A habit he cannot be rid of. Those short moments would feed his yearning, satisfy his growing hunger and moisten his parched heart.

However, of late Taeyong felt he was almost at his breaking point. Like that of a dam about to burst. Loving Winwin had become painfully intolerable. After a week of promoting with a different unit, Taeyong felt he was away from Winwin for far too long. Instead of his feelings waning, it burgeoned and thrived during their short separation. Winwin never left his thoughts, to a point of mentioning his name where it was so uncalled for. It scared Taeyong. Something had to be done.

Taeyong sighed as his focus fell on his reflection distorted by the water trickling down the window pane. There was no point in hiding, really. His being cloistered in the room he shared with Johnny was pointless, but he felt exhausted and needing solitude. For almost a week since Taeyong arrived from his fan meeting, he rarely left the room. Coming out only for bare necessities and when he could no longer bear the hunger. But something tweaked Taeyong’s curiosity and it made him somewhat apprehensive.

After several days being holed up, Taeyong was focused on the game he played on his desktop and jumped when he felt hands massaging his shoulders. He looked up to see Winwin, eyes on the monitor while his fingers kneaded his shoulders which Taeyong clearly appreciated, feeling the knots loosen.

“Taeyong, would you like to have lunch with me and Yuta?”

Taeyong considered the invitation but decided against it. He thought about possibly becoming a third wheel to the two close friends. Besides, he would rather stay as far away from Winwin at this point in time. “You guys go ahead, I’m not hungry. Thanks anyway.”

Winwin paused his kneading of Taeyong’s shoulders which the latter regretted somewhat and murmured a clipped, “alright.” Winwin left the room abruptly afterwards.

Taeyong’s brows creased into a frown as he thought of Winwin. He had to admit he missed his younger member, but he was awfully unhinged and his emotions were all over the place. He needed the isolation to gather his wits Taeyong thought, pacifying himself for the slight feeling of guilt at rejecting Winwin. Shrugging his shoulders, he thought less of it and continued with his gaming.

At first he didn’t notice, but the following day while Taeyong was engrossed with the RPG he was playing, he noticed the tray with a mug of hot cocoa, marshmallows floating on the surface and a thick egg sandwich beside him placed by Winwin. He looked up in surprise, his expression was that of bewilderment.

“You haven’t come out to eat since yesterday, Taeyong. So I brought you lunch.”

“Th-thanks Winwin, you really didn’t have to bother,” Taeyong murmured. Winwin sat down on his bed and looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to eat. He had never seen Winwin do such a thing, especially for him, but he knew his gratefulness was evident after Winwin watched him wolf down the sandwich, thankful for the sustenance. Winwin smiled as he picked up the empty tray and left the room with a satisfied expression on his face.

Taeyong didn’t know what to make of it but didn’t give it any deeper thought. Winwin being too attentive to him all of a sudden was a novelty he was not prepared to delve into. Falling in love was something he was not ready for. What his heart needed was unemotional apathy. Caging it in a wall seemingly built from ice to protect himself from the love he felt for Winwin.

It was past midnight when Winwin brought in the bowl of steaming ramyun with kimchi and a box of macarons in Taeyong’s room. Taeyong looked up from his monitor as Winwin settled the tray beside him on his desk.

“You didn’t come out to eat dinner with us,” Winwin said with a somewhat reprimanding tone while he shoved the chopsticks into Taeyong’s hand. “So I cooked this for you and saved you some macarons, your favorite. You’ll get sick if you don’t eat.”

“You shouldn’t have Winwin,” murmured Taeyong, his astonishment hardly disguised. “I would have gone out to whip up something in the kitchen eventually.”

Winwin’s eyes narrowed at Taeyong. “Can’t you just be thankful that people take care of you and worry if you’re alright? Because they wonder why you’re locking yourself up in your room or why you’re avoiding everyone and ignoring their messages? Because they hate seeing you self-destruct?”

Taeyong blinked at Winwin’s tirade. “What messages? Self-destruct? I...W-winwin...is something wrong?”

It was the hue of red apples that painted Winwin’s cheeks and Taeyong thought it made him more adorable, blushing and eyes wide looking aghast at his sudden explosion.

“I...I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” Winwin said looking abashed. “I’ll just...uh...goodnight Taeyong.”

Winwin turned to leave but Taeyong caught his arm. “Wait! S-stay and eat with me? Please?”

For the first time in a long while, Taeyong’s eyes were held by Winwin and it left him shaken. It must be the way Winwin’s gaze roamed hungrily over his face with an unfamiliar glint in his eyes that made Taeyong melt. He knew it was folly to think it was something other than warm brotherly affection. But Taeyong's resolve wavered with every second he held Winwin's arm, it's warmth permeating to his palm as he felt the smooth skin. 

Winwin nodded and smiled shyly at Taeyong. Somehow it was awkward yet familiar, a slight feeling of a sudden bond trying to knock down Taeyong's icy wall enclosing his heart. 

They sat besides each other on Taeyong's bed after Winwin pulled a chair in front of Taeyong to place the tray laden with the food he prepared. He watched in silence while Taeyong gobbled up the noodles heartily.

Taeyong tried to ignore Winwin sitting close to him, bashful while Winwin watched him eat. It was disconcerting and Taeyong, never getting used to garnering attention, settled down the bowl and chopsticks before rubbing his palms on his shorts. Taeyong steeled himself and peered at Winwin with uneasiness. He had to face his fears at some point, and now was as good a time as any.

Winwin wiping traces of broth from the corner of his mouth with his thumb took Taeyong’s breath away, all sane thoughts escaped him. Winwin retracted his hand as if scalded, cheeks turning bright red. Taeyong held Winwin’s gaze, trying to seek a hint of emotion that hid behind those guarded almond eyes. Taeyong cleared his throat, confused as ever.  More so with Winwin’s sudden inexplicable attention. It was bothering him and he wanted to know why but it was hard to think clearly with the lingering feeling of Winwin’s finger on his mouth. He had to end this folly, for his sanity’s sake.

“Wi-winwin, thank you for...worrying about me,” Taeyong said shakily while he reached over to hold his companion’s hand resting on the edge of the bed near his thigh. “But I’ll be fine. You don’t have to waste your time on me. I can do things myself.”

Winwin gave him a shrewd look through dark hooded eyes, a scowl starting to form. “I find you to be the most stubborn and also stupid man, Taeyong. I wish you would use your brain sometimes.”

Taeyong was taken aback and lost for words, not expecting the bluntness from the usually tenuous demeanor Winwin portrayed. “Wh-what?”

“How long will you fight it, Taeyong? How long till you open your eyes and your heart to admit what you feel inside, for... _for_ _me_.  You’re so keen on propriety that you fail to notice things when you need to, despite your suffering because of it. Then, even the most obvious actions slip past you because you only see what’s inside you. Can’t you realize that there are reasons why people do things for others? That some people want to be noticed by that someone perhaps? You know, people have limitations on patience and waiting Taeyong and mine is coming to it’s demise.” Winwin huffed and bristled after the short discourse while Taeyong gaped. Winwin stood up, walked towards the door and spared Taeyong a glance while he held onto the doorknob.

“I give up. If you can’t accept your own feelings, I can’t share with you how I feel. From now on you can wallow in your own mire for all I care,” Winwin seethed, shaking in frustration as he turned his back and walked out of the room, shutting the door with some force.

Taeyong stared at the door with his mouth still hanging open. What had just happened? Winwin seemed to be implying he knew about how Taeyong felt. It was unbelievable that Winwin, usually calm and passive, burst out with what Taeyong understood as trying to make him admit how he felt. But what left Taeyong more shocked was what Winwin said about him being unable to share what _he_ feels. What did he feel? _Love_...for _him_? Taeyong sat in wonder, his muddled brain wanting to explode. He needs to find some clarity. He needs to understand what Winwin was rambling about. And he needs to break down the wall he had been hiding behind for some time now. His heart was screaming for its freedom, regardless of the consequence.

Taeyong found himself standing up and he picked up the tray and brought it to the kitchen, in a daze. He set the tray near the sink and put the bowl and utensils away after washing them while he mustered the courage to face the upcoming onslaught. His feet lead him to Winwin’s room he shared with Yuta and Taeil. He knocked softly before entering. Taeyong’s eyes fell on Winwin, huddled on his bed with his back against the wall while he hugged his knees and head buried between them.

“Winwin, come. Let’s talk,” Taeyong addressed the younger member while Yuta and Taeil who seemed to have been roused from their slumber popped their heads up, watching the scene unfold before them with great curiosity.

“Forget it, Taeyong,” Winwin mumbled under his breath, ignoring Taeyong. “I’ve said what’s on my mind and...in my heart. If you can’t accept my...what I said before, then why bother.”

“Let’s get out of here. Please take a walk with me,” Taeyong declared softly, trying to ignore the two other drowsy-looking roommates of Winwin, staring with significant interest.

“Taeyong?” queried the sleepy Taeil. "Yuta? What’s going on?"

“Later Taeil,” Yuta said impatiently, upset at being woken up necessarily. Then he added firmly, “Winwin you need to talk to Taeyong. It's about time. You've been complaining about this for months.”

“Why? Are you two fighting? Something wrong with you two? Yuta?”

“Quiet Taeil,” Yuta shushed Taeil and stood up to give Winwin a tug on the foot. “Go you two and let other people sleep.”

Winwin looked up and found Taeyong’s gaze fixed on his face, looking expectant. Winwin sighed and stood up from the bed, groaning as Yuta gave him a little shove towards Taeyong. “Fine.”

“Don’t come back here in this room and wake us up again, please,” Yuta hollered after them as he shut the door behind their backs.

They walked out under the star-studded summer night sky, both silent for a while as they savored each other’s companionship, awkward as it may seem. The neighborhood was quiet, being well past midnight there was hardly a soul about. Taeyong relished the fact that as he recalled Winwin and himself had very few moments alone such as this. It was a rare occasion between them, with no other members harassing or teasing them. It was just two people eager to be with one another. At least that was what Taeyong felt.

Taeyong wanted to hear what Winwin had to say. He knew he appeared calm and collected but inside his heart was tumbling and butterflies fluttered in his stomach. He suspected it was something about his being distanced, locking himself up in his room. That must have been it, for he had no inkling what this was all about. Winwin being vague was a novelty to him.

“You wanted to tell me something Winwin?” Taeyong, brows furrowed, reached out to squeeze Winwin’s hand in his. “I’m sorry if I’m...what were your words? _Keen on propriety...that I fail to notice things?_ This is...I’m confused. If you want to say something, just be frank with me. Please tell me what's on your mind.”

Winwin could see the confusion in Taeyong’s face but it was apparent he was trying to be candid at the very least. Taeyong wants Winwin to reach out and pave the way for being forthright with him. Perhaps it was time to coax Taeyong out of his shell.

“Taeyong, why are you keeping to yourself? Don’t you like my company?” Winwin began as he stared far out into the night. “Do you...dislike me?”

Taeyong had to stop in his tracks and gaped at his companion. “Why would you even think that, Winwin? I would never dislike you. You’re a sweet boy. I see you as a younger brother.”

Winwin stared into Taeyong’s eyes, searchingly with a questioning look. Taeyong swallowed nervously. He didn’t like this manner of conversation. It made him utterly uncomfortable. Vulnerable.

“That’s just it then, you see me as your brother. Right? A younger brother... you don’t see me as anything but that,” Winwin snorted.

“What else could there be?” Taeyong fidgeted, pushing his fists into his jean pockets. “I...I care about you a lot and I don’t want any rift to build between us, Winwin.”

“But you are creating a rift. And a wall that’s hard to penetrate.”

Taeyong studied Winwin’s face creased by the frown but still beautiful as the moonbeams played over it, casting shadows and defining his delicate features. “I’m not. But it’s just that...I have some issues I need to resolve and it’s taking me some time.”

“Because you don’t open your mind and your heart. You see but don’t notice,” Winwin said with a trace of frustration, focused on Taeyong's dark round eyes.

“So what should I notice then? There seems to be something you want to tell me that you have a hard time with spilling out yourself,” Taeyong said teasingly aiming to lighten the mood and disguise his discomfort. “Just let it out, _Sicheng_.”

Winwin grimaced. He appeared to have some difficulty composing his words. He took a deep breath and looked at Taeyong squarely. “I...I love you.”

“I love you too, Winwin. You’re like my broth...”

“No, Taeyong. Not like a brother,” Winwin blurted out, chest heaving, eyes wide open staring at Taeyong expectantly. "I can never love a brother the way I love you."

“You...not like a b-brother? What do.. you m-mean,” Taeyong stammered, trying to grasp at the meaning of Winwin’s words. He can’t have heard or understood it properly. His head was reeling.

Winwin folded his arms across his chest with impatience. “It’s a wonder that you’re so talented, can write powerful and breath-taking lyrics, yet you’re as dumb as a mule.”

“What?!” Taeyong exclaimed. He still had to wrap his brain onto what Winwin was trying to tell him. He couldn’t have meant he _loved_ him. Did he? Love! “You’re...are you saying...what you mean...you love...”

Winwin took a step closer, expression seemingly rapt with hunger, focused on Taeyong’s lips. Taeyong gulped, trying to control his wildly beating heart, knees knocking together. Taeyong held his breath when Winwin cupped his face and moved in closer, barely inches apart. Taeyong could feel the heat of Winwin’s breath on his face.

“Winwin, wha-“

All thoughts fled from Taeyong as he felt Winwin’s soft lips connect with his. He was too stunned to react and had to close his eyes while they lost themselves to the delightful sensation of moist lips caressing each other’s. Their tentative kiss sent them to a world where only the two of them existed.

Taeyong felt his own arms lock around Winwin’s waist, squeezing the latter’s body tight, closer to his own. Winwin’s hands ran through Taeyong’s soft hair and pulled his leader closer as if kissing were not enough. As though feeling their lips entrap and caress the other’s weren’t enough until they became bolder, letting their tongues taste and explore each other with a hunger brought on by years of yearning and pining. It was the culmination of unbridled emotion bursting out of them.

When they finally parted, Taeyong stared into Winwin’s eyes, marveling at what had just occurred. Taeyong blinked, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him.

“Winwin,” Taeyong whispered softly, letting the name roll on his tongue like a gentle caress. “Am I...dreaming? Did...did we just...kiss?”

“You’re not dreaming, Taeyong. I love you. I fell in love with you a long time ago. I knew all along you feel it too but you’re just too blinded to realize it.”

“But I thought you...didn’t feel the same,” Taeyong faltered, still overwhelmed with mixed emotions. “You were always close to the others, gave them more attention...”

“I did that to make you jealous,” Winwin smiled, his eyes twinkling. “I thought if I made you jealous enough you would respond. But obviously that didn’t work well enough so I thought I should just give it a more direct approach.”

Taeyong smiled and caressed Winwin’s smooth cheek. “It did work. I was drowning in my own misery, envy filling me while I watched you with the others wishing it was me you were giving attention to.”

“But it took you so long,” Winwin pouted, tempting Taeyong with those luscious full lips.

“Then we’ll have to make up for all the lost time,” Taeyong murmured softly before seeking Winwin’s lips, tasting the succulence as they opened up to his delving tongue. They kissed hungrily, their emotions gushing out to heighten their desire for one another. It took almost all of Taeyong’s resolve to disengage from Winwin’s lips as he cupped the latter’s cheeks. “I would love to do more of this, but it’s getting late and cold. I wouldn’t want you to get sick.”

Winwin stared into Taeyong’s misty eyes as he nodded. “I love you, Taeyong. I just had to say it.”

Taeyong could feel his heart bursting from the love he felt for this boy in his arms. It was overpowering and took his breath away as he gazed into those dark glistening eyes filled with emotion. “I... I love you, Winwin.”

Winwin smiled as he broke free from Taeyong’s arms and linked his fingers with his leader, the warm sensation of holding hands with him making Winwin feel all fuzzy on the inside.

“Um, Taeyong, Johnny isn’t sleeping in your room since he’s away on a trip, I wonder if...I mean can I sleep with you tonight?” Winwin asked coyly, lips quirking. "Besides, Yuta warned me not to wake them up...so..."

Taeyong could feel his heart pump faster than a bullet train. “Of-of course...s-sure. Johnny's bed is of course avail-”

"I want to sleep beside you. On your bed," Winwin flashed a saucy grin.

"On...my bed? W-With me?"

“Your hands are suddenly clammy and cold, Taeyong," Winwin said teasingly. "Don’t worry, I won’t ravish you. Um maybe just a little...because you made me wait for so long.”

Taeyong flushed and cleared his throat after croaking when he said, “wh-who said I’m worried?”

“Let’s go,” Winwin whispered huskily sending shivers down Taeyong’s spine.

They walked back towards the dorm in the chill of the wee hours of the morning, holding hands, with their hearts anticipating what the future held for them.

 

 


End file.
